I always used to be afraid of the darkness. And, I don’t just mean lights off, couldn’t sleep without a nightlight kind of scenario. I mean, scared of some of the darker vibes I felt from certain adults as a child, dense energies in certain rooms and spaces and scenarios I would moved into that felt heavy.
I’m beginning to realise now just how sensitive I was a little girl. Feeling heavy emotions, I would take them on, without knowing what I was doing. Family grief, heartache, insecurity, all moved with ease into my boundaryless body and being.
At some stage, I’m not quite sure, all this heavy emotional pain I had taken on became too much in my body and so I shut off from it. I disassociated from that part of myself. The small girl, wide eyes filled with blackness and terror. I hide her away. Locked her deep deep down in my being. Throw in the sudden loss at the age of 20 and that heavy darkness turned into a black hole. Which I lived with for as long as I can remember. It lay dormant, sleeping, until fear pricked its attention and then it would awaken to attention. Heckles up and I would feel suffocated by a feeling of impending doom that never matched the seeming reality I would be living in the now moment.
I had disassociated from that part of myself – that little mystic, the little seer. She was locked in the basement of my self. Too big, too terrifying, too bottomless to approach. But then there were the dreams, when I would scream and scream and scream in the darkness, unheard by anyone. Screaming the same thing over and over “I can see, I can see, I can see.” I could see what others had refused to see. Was it too ugly, too inconvenient or were they just numbed?
Fast forward 13years and a huge amount of healing later and I still had that black hole of inner dread, that fear of the darkness that lay somewhere deep within me. Triggers would throw me into a trauma pocket of anxiety and I would feel that cold black hole open up. But perhaps worse, I was attracting that same darkness to me, like attracts like and my rejected terror pulled in characters with the same heavy trauma load. A cycle of toxic, narcisstic relationships ensued.
Then one day, in the middle of having been triggered (brining up a plethora of old memories ad associated dark feeling energies of manipulative ex’s) I decided I had enough. My awareness was high enough to recognise that this was being mirrored back to me because there was some resonance IN me.
I was done letting this fear control me. I had turned around to face so many aspects of my shadow. But this was the epic-centre of it all. It was the final hurdle between being able to trust myself. I wanted to freedom. I didn’t care what it would cost me. Let me face up to this inner demon, this screaming from the infinite abyss. It was time.
And here’s the wonderful thing about bravery, once we make the decision that fear will have no hold over us, we pull from it the only power it had over us.
So I booked in a healing process with a teacher of mine. With one sole intention – let what I fear the most, allow the darkest in me to show up in it’s worse form, let me see it, know it and understand it. Let me love it. Let me release it home.
The mind races in the face of the unknown. Imagination escalates and fills in the blanks. Our primal brain is wired to fear what is does not know. “Potential danger” it screams!
This is how the shadow is formed. We push into the shadow, the spaces devoid of our love and our light, those aspects of ourself or of life that we are taught are not “good”, “acceptable” “loveable” enough to exists. We deny they are part of us. We starve them of our love, of our attention, of our acknowledgement.
And they become lost, cut off from all of our love. Hungry for it. Desperate. Any attention becoming better than none. Like a hungry, exhausted, terrified child they cry out for us. Acting out for an morsel of recognition, any sliver of attention.
It is not a horror story we are facing with the darkness within us, it is a tragedy.
As a Course in Miracles states, “Everything Is Either an Expression of Love or a Call for Love, Help or Healing.” Everything in the universe has God/source/consciousness within it. All is an expression simply waiting for acknowledgement. Right and wrong doesn’t exist outside of our material 3D plane. Our subscription to the dichotomy is what has us held here.
So, I chose to face the darkness and to learn how to love it.
Memories of dark energies felt, sounds hear, things seen. Nightmares, hauntings, from my earliest years rose up. Encircled me, like a storm raging across a desert. Shrill screams. I pulled out the storm within me, then the black hole.
And only then did I meet that terrorised child, eyes wide, filled with blackness, screaming in terror. Her energy flooded through my being as my eyes tremored like some electrical current interference. Terror ran down my spine. I asked her to lessen the intensity. She had my attention.
I stood her in front of me. What was she saying? She was screaming “I can see, I can see, I can see.”
I finally understood. All that darkness that she could see that the adults could not.
She had been abandoned, left unheard, fragmented off.
I can see too sweetheart. I can see too.
She started to cry big fat tears. The blackness in her, a black tar, was removed and thrown down that black hole that finally closed up.
Big beautiful blue eyes stared back at me.
I hugged her into me. She was finally home. I was finally home.
That was the moment I choose to love any fear in me.
That was the moment I became my own inner mother.
My heart expanded as I held that beautiful little mystic, that little seer into me.
The part of my soul that had been tethered and anchored in that terror and darkness was finally liberated.
The grip of fear and darkness weakened on me as I expanded into the light, my light, my truth, my power.
I tell this deeply personal story, because when we are willing to face our demons, we truly reap our rewards. The greater the demons we overcome, the bigger the liberation we are gifted with. Our capacity for light, love, joy and wisdom expands.
Just as the snake in the Jungle Book whispers “trust in me” so do our own ‘inner demons’ – the voice of fear – become so hypnotizing, so seductive, so believeable, that we no longer know we have given our creative, limitless power away to an illusion.
But dear soul, what happened what we stop for a moment and review the situation, to bring the truth to light? Employing the power of discernment to our internal landscape.
Fear truly is False
The power that it holds over your, over us, only ever has as much as we are willing to (unconsciously or consciously) give it.
Ready to breakthrough all of those sneaky, seductive grasping fears in your own psyche, to stand once again, in the radiant truth of your soul’s power and purpose?
You came into this life, at this time on the planet, on a mission. Deep down, you hear a rallying call, it is time to step up sweet soul.
Long enough have we spent time lost within our own grand illusions and the seductive temptresses enchantment of the primal, physical and material!
It is the time to shake of our shackles.
It is time to turn up our light and to rise!
Ready to breakthrough the limits of your fears?
I believe that you are.
Everything that you’re desiring, dreaming or yearning for is waiting for you on the other side of you fear.
Face the fear, find the liberation.
So let’s breakthrough the fear and come back to the love that you baby!!
Places open for Breakthrough Programme - entry level