My Raw, Real and Heart-Open Journey of Surrender to Spirit, Magic and Flow
Born from a wish, a wish that I’d had this at the beginning:
A safe place to learn…a safe place to connect, to be seen, to be heard, to be understood.
When I was awakening it was a proper 'dark night of the Soul' –
I’d just returned from five months in India where I’d met the Dalai Lama, learnt about Buddhism, qualified as a yoga teacher trainer, a Reiki practitioner, and had spent Christmas hiking through the majestic Himalayas, climbing the three high passes around Everest Base Camp. I had experienced (more than one) profound spiritual experience during my trip in India.
I came back with a tattoo on my right forearm that read “see only love” on my right forearm and a heart burst wide open by the life altering experience and remembrance that truly, behind it all, only love is real.
And yet as I returned back to my dad’s house in Manchester, I was confronted with the very human 3D reality. I’d spent all my money and found myself and the few boxes of belongings back at my dad’s house, living in a small top floor room. I was still heartbroken by a life-redirecting break-up that caused me to give up a job/career/home/city/salary and relationship I *was not* yet able to fully let go.
I was hurting and yet life had cracked me open.
The next few years I started applying all I’d learnt on my travels and delved deeper into a whole range of healing practices, metaphysics, channelling and trance mediumship (although at the time I had no idea what I was doing)!
Amidst my full moon little mantra led rituals I was doing in that small room at my dad’s house, I was getting major downloads and connect to huge energies I had never experienced before.
Inwardly, I was adventuring into an exploration of a new multi-dimensional limitless universe. It was so exciting and expansive. This new inner world felt exhilarating: a whole limitless universe coming online.
Whilst outwardly my whole world seemed to be standing still. Held by some invisible pause button.
They say that for the first five years of its life, bamboo doesn’t grow its shoot upward much more than a centimetre or two above ground. Instead, it spends all that time putting down a vast and deep network of roots into the dark earth below. Setting itself up with a sure foundation.
Ensuring it equips itself to be well resourced, hydrated, stable and self-sufficient.
But once it hits that fifth year, it suddenly grows like 30 metres in a matter of weeks.
Perhaps I was beginning to put down my roots.
I didn’t know it at the time, but I had managed to tap in directly to Source energy - before I knew what I was doing! My crown and third eye was opening but I had no idea how to stabilise, apply or embody these mesmerising, heart expanding and life altering experiences that I was beginning to witness, connect with, receive and enjoy. My roots were not yet down deep enough. Past lifetimes were coming online without the context of what the f**k I was meant to do with it all.
Those base level traumas, cords of disempowerment and wounding’s were yet to be tended to. I didn’t yet have the tools, the awareness and certainly not the self-love I needed to be fully grounded and rooted.
So I did what was easiest, following past patterns of disassociation – left my body and sky-rocketed upward to higher realms.
This was balanced out (thank goodness) by the increasing regularity of my practicing and teaching yoga and meditation that helped anchor me.
The next four years followed a non-linear path of exploration into all things spiritual. An obsessive seeking to discover the worlds within. An insatiable thirst to understand life after death, our energy system, our unique design. Touching upon areas of chakras to crystals, past lives to psychic skills, eco-products to energetic protection, to a reconnection with the Isis/Hathor/Magdalene lineage – the Sophia Codes. Remembering lifetimes spent as channel, oracle and initiate.
Fast forward to 2020 and I was teaching yoga all over the city in prestigious studios, holding powerful healing circles with the medicine of Cacao and facilitating multi-day retreats to help people re-balance, recalibrate and come back to themselves.
As the year came to a close, the relationship I was in began to face challenges, and spirit started speaking to me again, nudging and even directing me – getting even louder.
“Step away, come back into alignment, take your business online, work one-to-one, work intuitively - coach and come out the spiritual closet!”
At first, I ignored these nudges, before it became too painful. This was back in the last few months of 2019. And then in 2020 I was told by spirit that this needed to be done by March 2020: to start spiritual coaching, to get qualified in spiritual coaching.
And despite not having the resources to invest in this uplevel to change – from teaching in person yoga and meditation classes (the more physical aspects of healing) toward the more spiritual dimensions – I took the plunge!
I stepped away from a romantic relationship that seemed to have run its course from a spiritual perspective and I allowed this new heartbreak to crack me open even further.
I found myself once again back in that top floor room at my Dad’s house! I had handed in my notice for all my yoga classes in order to fully dedicate my time to building an online business and intensive qualifications in Soul Plan Reading, Soul Transformation Therapy, Experiential Healing (Timeline Regression) and Spiritual Life Coaching.
A few days after I had quit my yoga job(s), the city I was in (Manchester) , the country and (not long after) the world went into lockdown with the global pandemic of Covid.
It seemed my Spirit and Soul knew far more than I could ever predict!
A few months and a few vision boards later, I felt the pull to travel to Bali – my inner pilgrim and gypsy woman were ready for movement. And when restrictions would allow it, I finally took a flight via visiting my mum in Turkey. Bali’s borders closed and I found myself staying in Turkey having been gifted my favourite apartment from the universe, a beautiful dog and cat.
I realised the view from my desk was the exact same as a vision I had seen four years earlier in a meditation. A place I had seen myself writing a book, healing and growing foundations of a spiritual Soul-led business.
I was right on time and right where I was meant to be.
It wasn’t easy, living alone in a new country alone during the two years of a global pandemic – it was a coupled of years of intensive learning and healing - seeing my wounds and patterns. Getting my own way, clearing the space to allow the book to be birthed through me. First the cathartic writing of my story, the meeting of the parts that felt unworthy ‘who was I to write a book?’ – before helping me re-work the book with the help of my brother in spirit, into something that I believe is infused with a great healing power and is a great gift.
I figured I had some stuff to share with others Souls' awakening to their truth and this path, their Soul’s work in the world was the same as their calling and their purpose.
So in Feb 2021, Soulpreneur Strategists was born. An experiment in sharing that knowledge. Part channelled, part strategic in its content. For nine-months I held the space - sharing each initiation I had led myself through, blending together the tools my Soul had chosen. We documented it all. And I fell in the love with flow.
To begin with, I thought I was winging it – creating in such a fluid, spirit guided way. (It was such departure and a far cry from my days of being a corporate analyst, event producer, strategic consultant, where every step needed to be meticulously planned.
Yet each group call the questions I was led to ask, the energetic theme and focus seemed to be synchronistically EXACTLY what the women were going through in their own personal lives and business that week.
I couldn’t deny it. Spirit was at play, orchestrating the whole affair. It was perfectly aligned.
I realised once more, my role in it all: to simply be the conduit, to follow the nudges, to weave together the threads of information as they appeared. To trust, to believe and to lead myself along the path first.
After nine months I felt our time was done. The ladies who had joined me had made many deep shifts, in the fruitful inner darkness and I watched as the new space to embody more of their Soul’s light led them to make quantum leaps into their roles as Leaders, Healers, Wayshowers, Sacred Rebels, Soulpreneurs and Lightworkers as they flew the nest of our sacred container.
Meanwhile for me, I felt I had also outgrown the container. Another level was coming, but it hadn’t quite landed. It wasn’t fully ready to be born.
I even launched “The Uplevel Vibe” – because that was exactly what I was living, this WILD energetic expansion that I couldn’t yet fully hold and didn’t yet fully understand – in Feb.
I cycled around a few contractions, integrating some core pieces to help me fine tune my values and my message. I was scared to step up without being sure of my alignment and integrity.
I found old versions of my false and ‘egoic self’ dying and falling away.
But I didn’t know what would come next. I just knew I was being guided to let go. Something that has always been a challenge for me. And so I struggled, before surrendering, deeper than ever before.
I began working with a new mentor who’s words seemed to speak the words of my Soul.
“In a world of manipulating image, practice invisibility. Speak as if no one was watching. Practice the art of being rejected. Rest when you need. Create only when led by inspiration. Fuck the money. Fuck the outcome. Remember what is your business and what is not. Give yourself to do it your own way. Drop any need to follow anyone else’s way.”
As I write those word’s I can feel their purity. I can feel their integrity.
In a world that has been programmed to ‘frantically paddle upstream’ (in the analogy of Abraham Hicks), I was being told to throw out my oars trust the flow and trust Spirit once again.
In a world desperately clinging to masculine strategies, labels and templates, I was being told to put on blinders and to create from a place from within. From my Soul – authentic, original and unique.
So for anyone who knows me: I am a recovering over-achiever and people pleaser…practising being rejected, dissolving attachment to image, releasing the need to control the outcome, has felt like a death.
And I’m sure it has been a death to many parts of my psyche and ego.
I have spent days of meeting a pain body inherited from generations past. There was nothing I could ‘do’ to get rid of this pain. I was no longer available to the distraction and numbing tactics. I knew I had to go ‘into it’ – I knew I had to be with whatever was arising. I knew I had to accept it and to love it.
Stillness and surrender were my friends. They enabled deep release.
Crying the tears for a line of women robbed of the truth of the worthiness of their authentic, Soul’s expression. Robbed of the safety in which to live their truth. Robbed of the understanding that being “good” was a complicit expression of internalised patriarchy that was strangling them of their very life force. Sterilising their individuation….creating a prison for them to live in.
These are the women from which I was born.
Yeah. It went deep.
But I’ve learnt enough to know, that every time I go deep down into the fruitfall darkness, I will rise into the light will equal intensity, distance, vigour and force.
Each time we are courageous enough to release, to die, we are reborn.
Again and again.
So yeah, this past week I’ve spent a lot of time in stillness. A lot has been moving through. Initiated I’m sure by the large influx of light onto this planet this month. We are seeing more of our shadows, and it is hard to accept parts of our shadow that we have projected for so long. Parts that we cannot accept in another, realising they are ours too!
There is a shame to felt and a grieving, and then there is a turning towards – almost past self-rejection, with a softening, an accepting and then love.
Painful revelations and expansion toward radical acceptance, radical responsibility and a deepening of self-love to bring the shadow work into the light.
And so now I am ready. And as I write and then read this to you now, I realise that what I have been growing and gestating – has been in energetic utero since August last year – almost a full term of nine months. And so this month is the month I birth Quantum Soulpreneur.
Welcome to the world Quantum Soulpreneur!
I am calling in five women who are ready to walk this path in a sacred container with me.
I look forward to journeying with you, creating in the quantum, anchoring and embodying here x