Ever feel powerless to retain your inner peace and calm around certain people and situations? Well let me help you out, follow the below to reframe how others affect you.
Firstly, know this: “you are never upset for the reason you think you are”! (A Course in Miracles)
We all know what it feels like to get triggered, or to react strongly to a person or situation. It goes a little something like this:
1. You get triggered.
By which I mean you feel an intense emotion rise up inside you in response to something seemingly outside you: a specific person, circumstance or piece of information. The emotion could be anything from frustration, anger, jealousy, disgust, sadness, hurt, guilt, shame etc.
We all know what it feels like to be triggered, because normally we don’t like how it feels.
2. You identify and justify your reaction by blaming it on the situation (person, information, circumstance)
You accept that emotion and feeling, as a justified reaction to whatever you have just been presented with. Ever said the words “You make me feel so …” or “This makes me feel so …”
Aka – you identify with your justification for the emotion, relinquishing all responsibility for your reaction whilst blaming the external trigger (the other person) as the cause.
3. You try and avoid any negative emotion you may feel.
You do not like this emotion, or how it feels, so you react against it –supressing it, avoiding it, dismissing it or downright ignoring it. But - and here’s where the funk comes in – it doesn’t go away. You still feel in your body the remnants of whatever arose. Maybe you even throw self-judgement on top of this emotion – criticizing yourself for getting angry, not being able to express yourself clearly, being too emotional or whatever it may be. That gross feeling refuses to leave and voila, you find yourself well and truly locked into a good old FUNK!!
Let me unravel this shizzle for you folks.
FALSE BELIEF 1: Other people are responsible for making you feel like you do
TRUTH: You are the only person responsible for your actions, reactions or emotions. I know this is a toughie to swallow, but it is true. Now that’s not to say you should force yourself to stay in situations, circumstances or around people and places that make you feel bad. But just know that you can chose to act, feel and respond in a way that feels good for you. It is just about learning how [more to come on this next article].
FALSE BELIEF 2: I should stay in situations that challenge me to test my inner peace
TRUTH: If something feels bad in your body, if it doesn’t resonate or vibe with you then that means it is not in alignment with your truth and who you are. Simple as that. So listen to the thought you’re having at the time or the situation you’re in. If it feels good – great, you’re in the right place, if not, you’re ignoring your higher truth. Be true to you. If you can’t feel good in a situation, with those people or in those places, then change it – honour yourself first. Fundamentally, we are here in this life to feel good, so put your joy first. That way you can show up and give waay more to others anyway. Give permission to remove yourself from people and situations when necessary.
FALSE BELIEF 3: Certain feelings are bad or wrong or painful and therefore should be avoided
TRUTH: We’ve been brought up to categorise things as “good” “bad” “right” or “wrong”. We try and avoid the bad whilst clinging onto the good. But it is from these more challenging emotions or feelings that we can learn so much, we usually just don’t want to listen because we are scared. However, if we change the frame and start to look at all the parts of ourselves with love and a curiosity around “what is this trying to tell me”, we instantly start an open inner dialogue that benefits us. Often there is an innocence within whatever distasteful character trait or “shadow self” that reveals itself.
FALSE BELIEF 4: I think therefore I am - People are their actions, reactions and emotions (cognitive fusion)
TRUTH: Sorry to say, but our French pal Descartes got it wrong. You are not your mind (thoughts) or your body (emotions) or even your actions. You are the one witnessing them. So when you get triggered, try and step back into the objective position. When someone labels you as being something because of an action you committed, you can simply repeat to yourself (out loud or in your own mind): “I am not that.”
FALSE BELIEF 5: What I react to, is separate to me
TRUTH: This is hard to swallow – but normally we react strongest to things that are in fact parts of ourselves, but that we refuse to accept or acknowledge, because we were taught as children doing so would infringe upon getting some of our basic needs met (e.g. of love, approval, belonging or acceptance from our family, teacher, community or society).
For me personally this has really enabled me to take back my power and learn who I am. The realization that every time I react strongly to something, life is providing me with an amazing opportunity to find out something about myself.
So sit your ass down, and really feel into it, look at it. Close your eyes for a second and witness the emotion or feeling – asking yourself, what part of me is feeling this? Then, instead of rejecting it, running from it or judging it (all fear based responses), how about you try loving it? Love it like a mother would, a lover would, your best friend would. If we change the frame and start to look at it with love, with curiosity and the question “what is this trying to tell me” we instantly start an open inner dialogue that benefits us. We can bring back into our heart those parts of ourselves we rejected years ago to protect ourselves.